When the idea of writing about grief first came to mind, I was sitting in my grandfather's hospital room watching him eat and tell me how much he didn't want people dictating to him what he will or won't do. A part of me knew that he wouldn't be with us much longer, but he had told us my entire life that he would live to be 105, so I had hope. Later that evening, I mentally outlined this blog, how I was going to speak to relationships, friendships, and all things that one could grieve. I never got around to writing it because life happens and I shelved the topic for a later date. Unfortunately, my grandfather proved my suspicions true, but on his own terms. This time when I revisited writing about grief, I figured I would have had a few days to process his passing and all the subsequent items that would follow it. Once again, he did things his way.
He isn't the first grandparent I've lost, but he's the first grandparent that has experienced every major milestone in my life and I never imagined he wouldn't be there for them all (I still have marriage and buying a house to check off.) He will be missed on an almost daily basis but he's at peace and he's back with his beloved.
Back to the topic- Grief. What the past few days showed me, or reminded me rather, is that grief isn't linear. Everyone feels it differently and everyone shows it differently. (Funerals and weddings are the best ways to see this.) Myself for example, I will go inside myself and outwardly wear a brave face until the right person asks, "how are you?" I have witnessed varying responses to grief over the years and the only thing that stands true, it's different and the length of time is different. Also, you never really stop grieving, you just learn how to stop letting it impact your day to day. Plus, grief isn't even a bad thing, it's necessary. Without sadness, how would you know happiness?
My grandmother's passing was my first taste of losing someone close to me. Then a year later, I lost my uncle. My mother has always said I never allowed myself to grieve their losses, but I think I DID, but grieving as a child is different than grieving as an adult. We process things differently. In my adult life, I find myself longing for the relationships with two people that meant so much to my childhood.Then the passing of someone I was once romantically linked to, that was my first taste of regret because I felt like he died thinking I hated him. The reality, he probably had stopped thinking about me years prior, but even now I just wish I had cleared that up.
However, grief is not reserved only for death. We grieve relationships, loss of friendships, not getting that job, failing a test, and the list can go on. I've experienced all of those things and more in the scope of 5 years and somehow I haven't completely lost my mind.
The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, you may not experience every stage or you may stay in one stage longer than the others. Grief isn't linear. Think about what happens when you sat through rounds of interviews and don't get the job. You're pissed, then you get a little down, then you don't care anymore. Sometimes, you just accept the rejection and move on. Grief isn't linear. When a relationship ends, you don't believe it's over, then you are mad because you wasted your time, then you try to win them back (sometimes), then the reality of it ending hits you and you're sad, then one day you wake up and you're over it. The next relationship, you might try to bargain to keep it and then accept it's over. Grief isn't linear.
I didn't think I'd make it through this post without crying or having to stop a million times to collect myself and yet I wrote this with ease. I think it's because I had my grandfather's blessing. I saw him in my dreams last night and he looked at me with his little smirk and shrugged his shoulders like he used to do when we'd have a secret between the two of us. He just helped me navigate from denial to acceptance with one visit. Grief isn't linear.
This post wasn't supposed to go this way. I was going to just talk about loss and grief without having to be in the midst of it and yet, God and my grandfather had other plans. I figure I needed to write this to be better in the upcoming days and let's see if it works, because grief isn't linear. Remember no matter what stage of grief you're in, give yourself grace AND space to feel all the feels without guilt.
Love you Piggies
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